Journal 02: A Hookup Made Me Realize Everything I Was Missing.

Okay so this might be a bit TMI, but I had one of the best hookups of my life recently. Truthfully, I wasn’t expecting it. I met him on The Blowers, a site that prides itself on allegedly offering the best blowjobs in the city. I don’t know what was going on then, but my sex drive was on 100. I apologize to my friends for my intimacy ramblings.

Anyway, I met this guy I will call “Mathematician.” My friend coined it as a play on his kink for pleasure control. “Count to 10, and I’ll stop” he told me as I curled the sheets into whirlpools. Admittedly.... I did indeed lol. It’s now an inside joke to say I’m going to math class whenever I see him.

Mathematician was meant to fulfill the low expectations I have for every man I sleep with. Leave me: Haunted. Hollow. Done.

Yes, I know I should want better for myself, but sexual trauma does a number on your self-worth. I am just learning in therapy the difference between consent in the body and consent in the mind. I’ve been in a state of shutdown for a while. A sinister part of myself didn’t mind sitting in the back of my own body to experience affection.

But anyway, after a brief exchange of conversation and pics, I invited him over to my place. I expected a quick link, so I planned about a 1.5hr slot, but he ended up staying over for almost four hours. Mathematician likes to take his time. Granted, he didn’t give me head for four hours straight. We had mutual foreplay and cuddle breaks.

Despite it being so friendly, the encounter felt romantic. Internally, I felt at ease and faintly emotional. I was warm and comfortable.

I’m used to men wanting to start on impact, so his desire to cuddle first was a pleasant surprise. So, he got in my bed and laid on my chest. May be an embarrassing detail, but when he walked in, I had X-Men First Class playing. It’s a personal favorite amongst their films. He knew barely anything about the X-Men, which is insane, but that’s a conversation for another day. We chatted for a good 20 minutes, and it was clear that we had chemistry. He could volley my banter, and I could match his sarcasm. I could tell he cared to know me, not just fuck me.

Once we started kissing, he had a dominant yet gentle pressure. I felt unraveled in his arms. I trusted everything he wanted to do. He was pushing me to the edge without exploiting me. He wanted me to communicate.... in more ways than one.

I didn’t give him a review, but he was the safest person I had sex with since 2024. Once I was alone again, I sat in contemplation. What have I been doing the past two years??

The next morning, I was radiant. I walked into my MFA building all smiles. My professor greeted us when he walked in. He asked how we were doing today? I told him I was “jubilant.” lol

A few days later I met with my therapist. I was excited to tell them that I hadn’t sacrificed myself again. I ran them through the entire link as they smiled in warm approval. I was proud of myself... and I guess proud of him too?

I told them the story, no details spared. We have cultivated a relationship where genuinely nothing is off limits. After I finished recounting, they told me to take a deep breath; I had said a lot that they wanted my body to process. Once I grounded myself again, they replied, “Jay, everything you described to me is consent. You should feel this way every time.” I turned my camera off to digest those words. I was elated, not just by the experience, but by someone caring to consider me. Not every sexual experience is great, but what I had enjoyed was the ordinary.

Tears made mosaics of my vision. How bad have I been neglecting myself? How much of my sex life has been without mutual respect? My heart grew heavy.

I wilt in the arms of myself. I die in the arms of another. Where is the line?

I’m still trying to figure it out, but I have to trust myself to define. That requires me to experiment while simultaneously watching my habits for self-sacrifice.

Odd that a man I barely know respected me more than the people I knew.

I would be lying if I said I understand what safety is or that I am not fearful of finding out. Nonetheless, Mathematician gave me a baseline. A taste of the self-love I should’ve had for myself all along. A learning experience one step closer towards growth.